If you’re unsure how the actors, actresses and directors got to their hallowed spot as ‘an Oscar nominee’, follow the below how-to guide on how to snag a spot on the Oscars stage. Bonus points if you turn this how-to guide into a drinking game on the night.

HOW TO GET YOURSELF A NOMINATION FOR:

BEST ACTOR:

Choose a film that’s based on a true story. It has to be a true story about a white, middle-class man though, because Selma has showed us that, regardless of the quality of the story, nothing else will do. If you’re particularly desperate for a nomination, go one further and make sure that you’re playing an upper-middle class, white, male genius who attended Cambridge. Because even the rich and brilliant can be marginalised, you know?

Disclaimer: If you’re Bradley Cooper, then just do whatever the fuck you want, as long as you’re playing an arsehole who’s obsessed with America, fiction or otherwise.

Special Mention: Although Jake Gyllenhaal’s performance in Nightcrawler was astounding, he did not receive a nomination because drastically altering your appearance and losing a lot of weight is soooo last year. Silly boy.

Who should win: Despite all my teasing and all the stereotypes surrounding it, Eddie Redmayne should win the award for his portrayal of Stephen Hawking in The Theory of Everything. Anyone who can convincingly play Stephen Hawking as both a bit of a douche and a heartbreaking genius, while also successfully steering away from the sentimental crap that goes hand in hand with biopics deserves an award.

Disclaimer (2): In an ideal world, there would be a tie between Eddie Redmayne and Benedict Cumberbatch, where they have to fight to the death, British Style, for the statue. By British Style, I do of course refer to the two actors repeatedly going ‘I said GOOD DAY Sir’ with a flick of their locks, until one of them passes out from sheer exhaustion (or a crick in their neck).

BEST ACTRESS:

Play a woman who has faced such adversity and hardships in her life that it has taken away either her good looks or her standing in society. Preferably both. Oh, she can be a woman who eventually overcomes these struggles with the spirit and courageousness of her soul, blah blah blah, but she can never fully succeed, you know? Because who wants to watch a woman who defeats stereotypes, right?

Special Mention: Rosamund Pike’s take as Amy, the sociopathic wife who frames her cheating husband, does go against the grain of both Oscar nominations for 2015 and pretty much any film ever in the history of Hollywood. However, she still isn’t going to win the statue, regardless of how good her performance was, for the exact same reasons.

Who should win: Julianne Moore’s role as Alice in Still Alice, if only because she plays an unforgettable role about a person with Alzheimers.

BEST DIRECTOR:

Nothing screams OSCAR NOMINEE quite like a director who dedicates more than a decade to a single film. Prime example: Peter Jackson with the Lord of the Rings trilogy, which he spent about ten years working on. Has he won any Oscars for The Hobbit? No, because if it doesn’t take up at least a third of your career span, then it isn’t worth a Best Director Oscar. Amiright?

Who should win: Richard Linklater for Boyhood, largely for the reasons above. Plus, filming a movie over twelve years, particularly with an attractive kid who still has to go through puberty (often an ugly ending for so many child stars) is risky at best and downright painful at worst. I think we all want him to win the award solely so we don’t have a painful rendition of Ralph Wiggums on the night:

ralph wiggums

Ouch.

While there are a bunch of other awards on offer at tomorrow’s Oscars, I haven’t seen enough of the performances to give an accurate forecast, and I’d end up choosing them based on likeability rather than acting merit (come oonnnnnnn, Emma Stone). Which isn’t the Oscars way, now is it?

Are you going to be watching the Oscars tomorrow night? Who do you think should win? Let me know!

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